Musings from Boalt Hall

Cheeky legal scholars...

2006-01-27T12:19:00.000-08:00

This straighforward pun is courtesy of a pair of Con Law professors writing about the court's docket and its own precedent in 2002:

Money quote:

"The Supreme Court's recent decisions to hear an affirmative action case and a same-sex sodomy case later this spring mean that the current Term--perhaps Chief Justice Rehnquist's last Term--may well end with a bang."

No comentary needed.

Waiting for the Worms

2006-01-21T11:33:00.000-08:00

I simply want to voice my anger regarding the unreasonable delay in the registrar's office posting of grades. My last final was Dec. 10 and I still don't know how I did in Corporations (which was a 40 question scantron test) or any other class.

This is retarded! I want my grades on a rolling basis, dammit!

P.S. While waiting for grades to come in on Monday, watch this SNL short. An instant classic.

Go Go Goodwin!!

2006-01-12T15:18:00.000-08:00

Since I didn't have class this afternoon, I watched C-SPAN after receving an email from school that our very own Professor Goodwin Liu was set to testify in the Alito hearings.

After hearing 2 hours of verbal masterbation from judges and scholars regarding how "exemplary" and "amazing" and "sexually attractive" Alito is, Professor Liu stepped up to the plate and served up a dose of intellectual substance in the form of respectful and reasoned criticism.

Despite his uber-youthful appearance, I think he did us proud.

P.S. I think Arlen Specter called him "Gordon Yoo" - did anyone else hear that?

Newsflash

2005-12-20T14:47:00.000-08:00

Extra, Extra! Tom Delay has been riding high on the hog, courtesy of wealthy political donors. Get this: He eats at nice restaurants, plays golf, and stays in 4-star hotels!

One question begs: Is this 'revelation' really newsworthy? I thought this was standard operating procedure. Lets face it - all politicians either do what Tom Delay does, or die trying. Period.

The linked article is akin to the school janitor in Billy Madison informing Eric that "Billy drinks soda. Ms. Lippy's car is green."

A message to the media: Get back to the hard hitting investigative journalism we expect from you!

The Case for Faux Fir

2005-12-15T13:51:00.000-08:00

As the "War on Christmas" looms, the Chronicle has an interesting piece on Real vs. Fake Christmas (errr...Holiday) Trees.

I personally go for the fake tree for several reasons:

1) It is reusable - which is important to me because it means I never have to haul a dirty tree up my 2-story hallway - leaving behind a sloppy trail of dirt, sap, spiders, and pine needles. Instead I can casually pick up the 3 pieces of carcinogenic poly-something-or-other (one at a time) from my storage closet and return it after 2-weeks are up. Lather, rinse, repeat annually.

2) My dog doesn't love the taste of a fake tree. Less vomiting.

3) It pisses off my Norman Rockwell-ian in-laws who only believe in hacking off the real thing. (My father-in-law loves this part so much, I think he should have been a mohel!)

4) Presents stay clean and dry underneath this tree. This is important as I demand lots of electronic gadgetry for Christmas. (Jungle Cat, I know you hear me on this one).

5) I think the idea of playing drag-queen dress up with a plant is unbelievably gay! Truth be told, I would rather not have a tree at all. However, my significant-other insists we do - so naturally, I demanded a fake tree; a move completely consistent with classic law student-passive aggressive behavior.

In other words: I lost the war, but I won a very small and petty battle! By the way, when pressed about this, I will insist that the battle has been waged on behalf of Mother Nature.

Accordingly, I declare the "War on Christmas" has a new front - and the Real Christmas tree is the new faux! (ok, bad pun).

The Tookie Saga

2005-12-12T13:45:00.000-08:00

So the Guv has denied clemency for Stanley 'Tookie' Williams. He is set to die tonight at 12:01 am. Personally, I do not see what good comes of the death penalty.

Williams' crimes are disgraceful, no doubt. But, his execution only reflects the morbid and barbaric fact that our government (a supposedly progressive one) and its commoners (suppposedly compassionte ones) still thirst for the blood of their citizens in 2005.

However you feel about California's DP, if you don't feel profoundly disgusted reading this account of Tookie's last day, you truly have no soul.

Blogging in its highest form

2005-11-30T10:45:00.000-08:00

Apparently, Iranians are blogging to speak out against fundamentalism.

Kind of humbling that they are using this medium for such a noble purpose.

By the way, Jungle Cat, what are you gonna spend your first summer associate paycheck on?

Back to the Grizzind!

2005-11-18T15:23:00.000-08:00

Now that the brouhaha of OCIP is over, I have no good excuse to avoid hitting the books as finals approach. I truly miss having the convenient and extensive self-assigned task of having to pour over some generic law firm website in order to "be prepared" for my interviews.

"This firm likes to give summer associates real assignments!"
"ABC LLP is firmly committed to pro bono and diversity!"
"XYZ LLP has no minimum billables!"

Q: How fucking meaningless and vapid can a website be?
A: I don't care, as long as I can stare at the screen and scroll down instead of reading for class, I can justify months of slacking.

OK, so I have a job. Now I have to convince myself why I should spend the next few weekends locked away in some quasi-dungeon preparing for exams that will not even punish me with real grades.

Dammit, I should have gone to a Tier 3! There, I would still not have a summer job lined up and would remain motivated to study for tests with the hope of making all A's and B's.

Oh well, its beautiful in the East Bay today and golfing will be an important networking tool.

[slams book closed]

Sayonara...I'm off to hit the links!

Welcome to the Suck

2005-11-05T16:29:00.000-08:00

Overheard in the Boalt Hall locker room..."I can't believe you are thinking of going to work for that sweatshop Say good bye to life as you know it." (For those who care, I think they were referring to Davis Polk). What a bunch of bullshit.

This all-consuming preoccupation with the evils and stress of white-shoe legal employment (of which I am guilty) is especially offensive to me after watching Jarhead last night (Thumbs way up, by the way).

In essence, the movie is about the boredom and anticipation of combat that a group of Gulf War marines experiences while stationed in Iraq. As a law student gearing up for summer associateship, I could somehow relate to the advanced stages of boredom and misplaced anticipation these guys felt.

However, that is where the similarities completely end.

As most good war movies illustrate: war is hell. "Welcome to the suck" - tellingly, this is how these marines greet the new recruits.

Despite the fact that Jarhead was very entertaining, the gravitas (Side note: I have waited 4 years to use this word in a sentence) of the situation it left me feeling both depressed and guilty. Depressed that so many of our nation's young men (or anyone for that matter) have to endure the horrors of war and guilty because I would never-in-a-million-years choose to enlist or allow any of my family members to enlist - yet, I am eternally grateful to others who do enlist.

Furthermore, as most good war movies do, this one puts it all in perspective for the civilian. So what did I glean from all this, you may ask?

Besides a couple uncomfortable military style homo-erotic scenes, I was most distrubed by the way the fusion of combat preparation with extended sessions of mind-numbing boredom and seemingly endless anticipation impacts one's psyche.

Basically, as long as I don't have bullets wizzing by me, crude oil raining down on me and my girlfriend cheating on me (on film) all the while, I promise not to complain or get pissy if and when asked to perform document review all weekend long in an air-conditioned suite. Hoo-rahh!

P.S. As heard in the film's trailer and closing credits, the gospel rhythm of Kanye West's "Jesus Walks" is so damn haunting that my obligatory post-war movie nightmare was completely scored to that song. Bom, bom, bom, bom-bom, bom, bom...

Sweet dreams.

Class Actions: Justice For All...

2005-11-01T17:24:00.000-08:00

I remember reading the complex litigation cases in my Civil Procedure casebook last year and thinking how great it would be to be to actually be part of a class action suit that you had no idea about until it settled.

I imagined that one day a letter would arrive in my mailbox and it would simply ask me to check off a box so that a month later I would have a plasma TV hanging in my bathroom.

Well, that day has come...sort of. My DVD courier of choice, Netflix, has recently informed me that a settlement has been reached in the not-so-seminal case of Chavez v. Netflix, Inc. As a potential class member I can opt in and receive...a shiny new Sony Flat Panel!!! Nope, not quite. An act of divine intervention in my life like that is simply too pure for this Earth.

Instead, I (and my loyal brethren of Netflix customers) will receive a one-time one-month upgrade from the regular 3 DVD's at a time plan to a full 4 DVD's a month!!! Jungle Cat, I imagine that your fleeting fit of jealousy has turned into a shit-eating smirk by now.

At best, that means I can enjoy all the good Star Wars movies in one sitting. Of course, without a plasma TV in the lavatory, I will be relegated to watching Anakin Skywalker deflower Queen Amidala in the ineffectual privacy of my living room.

The Canine King of One-Liners

2005-10-31T09:17:00.000-08:00

"Libertarians are convervatives who like porn."
- Triumph the Insult-Comic Dog

They Play One on TV...

2005-10-29T13:01:00.000-07:00

In a random BIGLAW lunch interview conversation, the subject turned to TV shows and attorneys. The interviewer asked me who my favorite TV attorneys were. I stumbled on this question a little bit and my answer was too convoluted to repeat here. However, after giving it some real thought, here are my top 3:

1. Arie Gold (played by Jeremy Piven) from Entourage (HBO). While technically, Arie is not a practicing lawyer, he does have a JD/MBA from Michigan (Harvard undergrad). As a powerful, manipulative and established Hollywood agent, Arie seeks lucrative opportnities and closes deals ruthlessly on behalf of his movie-star clientele. An entertainment lawyer usually ends up being a talent scout and agent anyhow, so I think Arie qualifies quite easily. As an aside, I am also upset that Piven did not win an Emmy for this role. He is the best reason to watch this show and easily steals every scene. I also love his psuedo-heartfelt/post-meeting refrain:
"Lets hug it out, bitch."

2. Denny Crane (played by William Shatner) from Boston Legal (ABC).
Denny is a 70 year old named partner who is losing his intellectual marbles while desparately cluthcing to past legal glory. He is also extremely conservative (NRA posterchild), devilishly perverted and moronically self-centered. This man's greatest pleasure is hearing his name recited by Candice Bergen and other younger female associates. Tellingly, his second greatest pleaure is to actually hear his own name recited by him! The role is so convincing that I happen to believe that Shatner actually does this at home too. He is truly a role model for all of us - especially for Jungle Cat. "Denny Crane."

3. Arthur Branch (played by Fred D. Thompson) from Law & Order (NBC).
Arthur is the prototypical NYC District Attorney. While he tries to put on a tough-on-crime/justice-at-any-cost facade, the real politik duties that plague this elected official - up for re-election, of course - create an uneasy moral tension with the rest of the assistant DA's (most notably Sam Waterston's character). Still you got to love that Fred Thompson was an actual U.S. senator/prosecutor. Even reality television doesn't get more real than that.

I hate to gloat, but...

2005-10-27T07:12:00.000-07:00

Jungle Cat, you have to admit that I totally called this Harriet Miers thing. In case you haven't been watching the news, Ms. Miers has withdrawn her nomination for SCOTUS. I bet a Stanford 3L $1000 based on my previous blog and nothing feels better than taking money from a Cardinal.

Look, this is a simple situation. Bush nominated Roberts for the first spot and it just seemed so frickin easy to impress the nation with a bad-ass nominee - a white male, no less! He though he had the nation eating out of his hand on this issue - Jus' wait ‘til I give 'em this affirm'tive action female nominee. Well, what the hell! Lets put this here woman up on the block - she'll go right through. People like women lawyers, don't they???

WRONG Dubya!!! People like judges, scholars and accomplished individuals as nominees for the SCOTUS post. But in fairness, I see how you could think the country world accept a 3rd tier nominee - after all, you got elected twice!

Ultimately, I think this is a small time issue. The white house made a mistake, next they'll give us someone of Roberts' caliber and life goes on. In the meantime, I'm gonna go spend that Cardinal's money on something blue and gold...

P.S. Kudos to the Bush white house for the timing of this withdrawal - if all goes well, Miers' withdrawal just might take some newspaper copy away from the impending CIA leak story...this takes wagging the dog (pun intended) to new heights.

To Withdraw, or Not to Withdraw?

2005-10-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

I have been listening to quite a bit of extremely convervative AM radio during my commute to school. For some reason it brings me a sense of feng shui-like balance (I try to envision myself as an old, wrinkled Asian man serenely practicing my tai chi moves in the middle of an urban park) as I approach the corner of Peidmont and Bancroft.

Anyhow, conservative radio hosts and their fire-and-brimstone breathing callers are united in their hope that Harriet Miers' confirmation will be withdrawn. Apparently there is some right wing paranoia that this 60 year old/evangelical christian/unmarried spinster/Gee-orge 'Dubya' Bush worshipper (who, incidentally, believes he is the smartest man she's ever met) will somehow find it in her bible belt-fastened heart to flip flop on Roe v. Wade. Like most semi-intelligent people, I am certain this blue-hair will not get confirmed.

So the death pool begins: Will the nomination get pulled before Congress inevitably drops the guillotine? My money says that she humbly withdraws before November 1. Your thoughts???

P.S. Since Miers has no judicial experience, the media is now critiquing 'thank you' notes that she has written to the Bushes and others. This should make all of us more reluctant to write a thank you after a callback interview. In fact, I think NALP should ban thank you notes to participating legal employers - evidently this would help out those of us with future judicial aspirations.

New Rules

2005-10-12T08:34:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite shows: Real Time with Bill Maher has a segment called New Rules in which Bill blasts people, places, things and ideas (also known as nouns) that are slightly retarded and/or nonsensical.

Well, since I do not want to read anymore Con Law, here’s my three new rules (more to come in due time):

New rule: Fellow classmates, you must stop acting like you’re only taking a big firm job for the summer and after you bleed the monster for some scratch you’re gonna go off and save the world by protecting the migrating flight path of the Dodo bird above military bases or educating drug addicts on how to avoid prison time.

Once you get a taste of the sweet life that metropolitan 2 hour lunches and six figure salaries provide…you’re gonna be more hooked than that crack addict who needed your advice. Its time to face facts: you’re a self-centered materialistic metro-sexual lawyer asshole. Now go out for a 2 hour lunch and get bombed on ketel-and-tonics at Bob’s Steak and Chop House.

Besides every time you help to pull the wings off of a butterfly, or close a deal that will lay off most of your extended family that still works for the comp’ny - it hurts just a little bit less. Soon you'll barely feel a thing except for the rumble of the four hundred and fifty horses in your brand new 911.

New Rule: Law firm interviewers who take you to lunch and encourage you to order an alcoholic drink when the waitress asks, and then order an Arnold Palmer for themselves should be barred from submitting an evaluation – and perhaps tarred and feathered.

Goading a young law student into an unnecessary session of intoxication with socially awkward strangers is cruel enough, but leaving him to crash and burn on a solo mission of Ketel One brand degeneracy makes it even worse. That martini, which will not be consumed anymore, is starring at you the entire interview screaming “Drink Me” like some sort of bizarre-Alice-in-Wonderland meets Anonymous Lawyer hell.

New Rule: Union Square is too far too walk for a callback lunch when the interview is in downtown San Francisco.

Is this a law firm interview or a 10K charity run? I don’t care if Farallon makes a tartare that’s ‘do die for’– so does Aqua. Remember, until I receive the first paycheck, my dress shoes are not Allen Edmonds – they are Alfani and they grate my heels raw. That said, I would happily expense a town car to Morton’s (in the rain) if it means you’re buying me a Porterhouse, beefsteak tomato and 2 glasses of Petite Syrah.

Minty Fresh Law Firms

2005-10-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

As a BigLaw minded law student, I have had the unique experience of participating in the On-Campus Interviewing Program. During this time, hundreds of law firms converge upon our school and create a speed dating game of sorts where we sit down with dozens of law firms to be interviewed in 20 minute bursts. This orgy of platitudes has been compared to sorority rush - except the firms don't help you decorate your dorm room with paddles and don't introduce you to date-rapist fraternity brothers. (Although date rapist frat brothers almost always buy you dinner which is more than can be said of most firms.)

One strange byproduct of Fall Rush, err...I mean interview season, however, is the plethora of marketing "chotchkys" that the firms distribute in order to establish a lasting impression with us. The most ubiquitous chotchky is the ever-so-useful pack of mints. This is probably because the law firm's representatives have to sit down with us all day - so we'd might as well sputter out our bullshit from a minty fresh mouth. One wonders why they don't provide us minty gum to chew on. Weeding out those scrubs who chew gum during the interview would provide them with a great way to screen out the "slow ones", but I digress.

Much like the law firms themselves, however, not all mints are created equal. Thus, I have summoned my crack team of mintologist/law students to review and critique the free mints we have taken at the end of our interviews based on factors such as flavor, intensity and packaging.

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Hunton Williams mints come in a small squarish tin with rounded corners. The tin is somewhat difficult to open thereby raising the specter of accidentally spilled mints. The mints themselves are a little bit smaller than altoids, and slightly weaker in intensity. They are not chalky at all, and are slightly sweet. Taken 2 at a time they are almost indistinguishable from altoids. Based on their mints, I would still consider a job offer from this firm, especially if they get me a date for the Homecoming rally...

Dechert mints come in a flat blue plastic credit card shaped container. The container itself is convenient and makes it easy to remove a single mint at a time. The mints themselves however are terrible. They are very hard which makes them hard to chew if that is what you want to do.

The mints when chewed are horribly chalky. Additionally the mints have very little flavor, not sweet nor spicy. Poor mints overall. This firm will have to merge with another mint-worthy establishment or fire their recruiting department. Everyone knows that mints are an accurate reflection of legal ability - as such, I'd love to see these guys on the other side of the negotiating table.

Latham & Watkins mints come in a small rectangular tin with a snug fitting sliding top. The mints are quite small but pack a powerful flavor. They are as spicy as an altoid, though do not last as long. The mints are not chalky, and are easy to chew if that is your bag. You want these mints. Bottom line: Latham is the sorority big sister that bangs your boyfriend and yet you still hope she thinks you're cool. Please hire me.

Reed Smith mints come in a vertically oriented tin case. The mints
are large and powerful - cleaner than an altoid. I was not very
interested in this firm until I tried their mints. The logo on the tin says: "Quality matters." These guys are harnessing the power of the mint.

Pillsbury Winthrop mints also come in a vertical tin case. These mints are not minty at all. They are shiny round sugar pills that are so addictive I pop 10-20 at a time. Then I get a Pillsbury stomach ache and "Win-throw-up"! This mint represents the walk-of-shame: you seduced me last night, but walking home, I feel a burning sensation.

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Anyhow, as with most sorority events, marketing and veneers of selectivity are what matter most. As such, I really believe that mints can be an effective legal recruiting tool - however, most law firms do not take advantage of this. In fact, if they're not careful they will be turning off many capable and loyal pledges, I mean students...